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Peace and quiet....

2010-06-20

It’s Father’s Day. My kids and their father are all snoozing. It’s so peaceful. I’m just sitting here knitting, waiting for the annual general meeting of the Western Canada Oddball Baby Blanket Society to start via Skype . This is one of the coolest things I’ve ever been involved in. We’re a group of knitters and crocheters in Western Canada that collectively work on baby blankets for NICU babies. Each person completes a section and mails the blanket off to the next person. There’s a small notebook that accompanies each blanket where the knitter or crocheter can include their wishes for the recipient. Most of the time, a small gift is included for the next knitter or crocheter. It’s sort of a pay-it-forward good karma sort of thing. I love doing these blankets, whenever one arrives in the mail I drop whatever other project I’m working on and dive right in. And each section is only about six inches, so they go quickly. It’s just an all-around feel-good project.

But, as I’m knitting in the quiet, I have too much time to think. On Friday night I found an extremely suspicious looking mole. I went to the Dr. on Saturday, and he had me come in today to have it removed. It’ll be sent off to pathology and I’ll find out in a week if it’s cancerous or not. Right now, I’m just worrying. It’s likely unnecessary worrying. Even if it is cancerous, I’m pretty confident we found it and had it removed early enough… but still… I’m an anxious, type-a… my mind always goes to the worst case scenario.

I guess I’m aware that I have a lot to lose.

Posted by Marnie
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Torn

2010-04-27

I am struggling. Just typing that makes me feel, well, guilty. Fickle. Selfish.

But it’s not me that I’m feeling bad for. My heart is hurting for a childhood friend who has been diagnosed with breast cancer. She is strong, and has amazing support (which I include myself in). But she has one hell of a battle ahead of her.

I’ve been working on a prayer shawl and a chemo hat for my friend. The idea behind a prayer shawl is that you spend the knitting time praying for the recipient. I’ve been channeling all of my hope and healing thoughts into it. I think back to the fun we had as kids and teens. I think about the amazing family bonds she has and I’m envious. I listen to Bon Jovi music (her favorite). But it is slower going than I would like because I inevitably end up in tears at the unfairness of it all.

And my heart is hurting for my dear friends whose baby was born sleeping almost eight months ago. I wish I could take away their hurt.

We were supposed to go spend the weekend with them a couple of weekends ago. We didn’t go because I was sick and one of the kids was sick. I think they were disappointed and I feel bad. And I can’t help but feel like we’re forcing the kids on them when we go to their place. I… can’t seem to put into words… I feel guilty. Like we’re throwing our kids in their face, ya know? Look, we have kids. You don’t. It’s not a rational line of thinking. I know they love our kids. I know they wouldn’t invite us for the weekend if they didn’t want us there. I just feel guilty. Why were we blessed with two healthy babies, both of whom were conceived almost instantly after we decided to start trying? Our friends are the most deserving parents. They should be the ones with babies. And I know that they will, it’ll just take time. But the waiting is hard on them. They deserve some good news.

I am struggling. I am so very thankful for the life that I have, for my husband, for my kids. I just don’t know that I deserve them. I’m torn.

Posted by Marnie
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